TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Thursday
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I came this close!!!!
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count