[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I hope Alan is OK
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.