[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Dead sexy!!
the noise i just made
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
This is my bus stop.