1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Every damn time
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?