His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot