And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”