One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s