He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I think that’s enough internet for one day…