Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
You Might Also Like
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.