FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
You Might Also Like
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”