Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
…..pretty much.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.