Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
me, too, girl. me, too.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.