Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
You Might Also Like
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people