You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My favorite female superhero
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*