Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.