Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews