[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
that colleague who touches your screen
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.