Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
step 6: release the wall snake
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?