one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
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Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.