Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Wednesday
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.