choose your gary
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I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?