Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Bill is short for Billiam
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.