me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.