[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
That’s amazing.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
The glory of fall.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*