if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?