If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
accurate
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
hackers play passwordle
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you