M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
All generalizations are stupid.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed