[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
These are my roll models.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.