No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
same bro
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?