[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
We avoided this particular disaster
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
sin harder.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?