*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360