Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Awesome parenting 😂
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
The symmetry is uncanny.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off