Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
This made me chuckle.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
The Punning Dead.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Lmfaoooooo
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.