I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?