STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!