[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.