[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Weighing up my bread heating options
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.