My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
the dark web is just a goth google.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.