[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
You Might Also Like
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.