Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad