[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
#damn
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
This a good idea
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.