HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.