[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I drew y’all a little something.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Spider-cat: No One Home
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.