[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
.. do you even science?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Stop sending me this shit.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.