FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”