Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My love language is deader than Latin
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.