Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved