Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere