Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.