“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
lol
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?